Too Tight Tights and Awkward Underwear

What do you think of when I say the word “superhero”?

Maybe a cape flapping in the wind, the unbelievably cool ability to fly, tights that are WAY too tight with underwear awkwardly worn on the outside of them.

Do you know, the only difference between a villain and a hero is their response to tragic experiences.

Hear me out…

If you look at their origin stories, they’re quite similar - loss of parents, being abused or bullied by others, external dystopia, you name it. We see their story and are left wondering which side the coin flip their personality will land on.

Will they stay in the darkness of their tragedy or bravery walk towards the light?

Will we?

Even when they walk into the light and become their badass selves, in many hero stories, eventually, they get pulled back into the darkness and must rise again.

In my home, this is usually the part of the movie when I have to tell my crying, sweet, sensitive boys, who want me to turn the movie off, that this is the time the hero shines, because, to be a hero, they have to prove they’re brave and that they can only prove how brave they are when they’re up against something that scares them.

Of course, my boys have the freedom to close their eyes or walk into another room, but I don’t fast forward through the tough-to-watch parts. I simply say, “I know it can be hard to watch and bring up some feelings but I’m here if you need a hug.”

Here's the beauty... they always watch and immediately reflect on a time (like a haircut or a slide or the climbing of a tree) when they were just like the superhero, because they were scared and brave at the same time - which is usually the time Mama starts crying...

Trauma creates both villains and heroes. It’s an origin story in the making.

Let me emphasize that’s it’s the origin of the story, not the whole book or all the chapters.

Though the hero walks towards the light, they’re continuously confronted with darkness. This shows up as fears, phobias, worries, and reactions that are hard to control.

The real mindf**k is when trauma originates from an experience with someone else, because though operant conditioning tells our brains to notify our nervous systems of danger and stay away from the electric fence of a person that hurt us, our hearts are hardwired for connection and belonging.

It takes superhero strength to reach out for another while quieting our inner dialogue that's telling us to run before we get zapped again.

Unfortunately, we still get zapped when the person we reach out to for comfort does something that triggers the origin story. This is not done intentionally, and though we can logically make the connections, our brains cannot help but relive the past experience (unconsciously) because it’s programmed to remember what was encoded, either in brain or body, in order survive.

This explosion of feelings can be activated by the person who didn’t cause the trauma but who holds the lighter that initiated the timer on the bomb.

Because that’s exactly what it feels like.

It feels like someone activated the bomb inside, forcing you to practice every calming or coping strategy you know of, to untangle the wires, then unplug the right one, to avoid detonation.

The real heroes are the ones who are forced to hold a bomb they didn't create and the ones who stay with them, instead of running away - not to fix, not to figure out, not to take over, but who use their comforting energy, slow their breathing and offer a loving embrace.

This is not what usually happens in our society.

Our society focuses on “good vibes only.” Meaning, if you’re sad, unhappy, afraid, someone might hyper-fixate on positive vibes and justify their abandonment.

Now, there are absolutely times when we should walk away. When there’s neglect, abuse, or deep rooted incompatibility. But not when there’s just a scared person, looking for connection, when they're stuck in their darkness. Someone who is doing the absolute best that they can to walk through the landmines, towards the light.

The perplexing part is that though we chase happiness, it’s a fleeting feeling that is intended to be experienced momentarily. But this type of love, connection, belonging… that’s why we were put on this earth.

The even more confusing part is that many religious teachings guide us this way, yet, there are close-minded Christians shaming people for their lifestyles, when Christ welcomed all. Buddhists who cling to happiness, when Buddha sat and meditated on all feelings, welcoming them in, running from none.

So why the hell is this not our societies default setting?

The truth is, this is why I got into this work. This is why I became a trauma-informed yoga teacher - to avoid saying or doing things that could trigger a bomb within a student.

This is why the biggest and best compliment I receive is when someone feels safe in my presence because they know I won’t judge, shame, or run.

The most impactful thing I do, is sit and hold space for your imperfect humanness... because I crave that too.

There are many ways to connect with me. If you’re not sure what fits, book a Discovery Call and we’ll go from there.

 Nicole I’m here to help you make sense of your origin story, put your cape on, and write the next chapter. 

Rest in Your Radiance,

Nicole Starr