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Wrong Turns, Full Parking Lots & Signs

Traveling on the 26th of December is no easy task. I thought that since I had booked an early flight I’d avoid the chaos - boy was I wrong. After driving around the airport parking lot for 40 minutes, trying to find a spot, I started to feel anxious, angry, furious (why the f**k are these cones here anyways!?) SIDENOTE: Notice I said “feel” not I am. I am not my emotions, I’m just experiencing them. You are not your emotions, you’re just experiencing them. Just as I was about to illegally park, (like other cars beside me, who’ve also weighed the cost of getting their car towed vs missing their flight,) there she was, a spot of glory. Throwing my mom van into place, I rushed through the airport only to be halted by the long line at security. “This is out of my control… just breathe. There’s nothing I can do right now… breathe.” I comforted my nervous system. “I will make this flight.” The affirmation on repeat, manifesting my uncontrollable future. And then there he was, a security guard who opened up a new line and called me over. Rush, worry, self-comfort, salvation, stillness…life. After a long day of travel I made it to Sedona at dusk, just as the sun was going to sleep. I was wore out, exhausted, depleted and very curious as to what I was about to feel. Y ou see, last time I traveled to Sedona I was in desperate need of healing. Almost every second felt like a shedding, shattering, liberating, not so gentle experience yelling at me saying “You don’t need this anymore, or that, yeah let that goes too - all this shit you’ve been carrying has been very heavy and it’s time for you to climb”… which is exactly what I did. I climbed, I surrendered, I confronted my shadow and continued the work of bringing her into the light. It’s been a long, tough, excruciatingly beautiful journey of self discovery that started over 14 years ago. And now, here I am on the other side and it’s so f**king uncomfortable. I don’t know how to be here, in this skin where safety is a given, stability is all around me and self love radiates from within me. It’s not fair! I’m out of the war zone but still feel this need to fight, to protect, to defend myself. I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s hard to realize I don’t need to do it anymore. Yet, as I approached the red rocks, instead of feeling weak, vulnerable, in desperate need of guidance and healing, like I felt last time, I felt strong, almost regal. My body literally sat up taller when I saw the majestic red rocks, as if I were fixing my crown. This incredible sense of belonging consumed me. My head tingled as I drove through the roundabouts with ease and grace. Unafraid of the unknown, ready to navigate the terrain. Night fell, as if the rock formations were saying “It’s a good thing you’re no longer afraid of the dark.” After a long day of jet lag (which I’ll tell you about later) I had my sights set on seeing the vortexes. First one being Bell Rock. Of course, I took a wrong turn and ended up at a ranger station I wasn’t planning on going to and I started laughing. One of the reasons I went to Sedona, which was August, 5 1/2 years ago, was to cope with fertility issues. And somehow I saw two of everything; two shooting stars, two wild coyotes, two babies on Kachina woman’s back, and these two little pigs at this ranger station. I hoped, I prayed, I begged, I healed and 3 months after my last trip, with the help of my second IUI, I got pregnant. 9 months later, Ronin was born… in August. And here I am, making wrong turns, being shown exactly what I need to see. I sought out the first parking lot to Bell Rock only to find that it was full and signs directing me elsewhere. I tried another, full too. I finally decided that it was best to follow theses signs instead of stubbornly thinking I knew better and sure enough, there were parking spots. I bundled up, hiked, saw the beautiful rock from a distance. As I was hiking, it felt like I was getting closer, then further away. Nonetheless, he was beautiful, the energy was palpable from where I was. After an hour and a half I thought “hmmm I’m gonna have to hike this far back, do I want to keep going? There he is in my sights… but what difference will it make if I actually get there?” As I’ve mentioned a lot last month, sometimes we decide to be in it, in the moment, in our feels, right next to our rock and the comfort is extraordinary… but it’s also harder to see the bigger picture. From an observer’s view, you see the whole and the view’s pretty damn great. I took one more step forward, picked up a piece of trash and turned around… because my body was hungry, my being satisfied with the experience and I had other things to see. Remember,Nicole Starr, the choices we make in life are always yours, even when they don’t feel like it. Our mindset is always ours to control. Emotions, experiences, thoughts - not as much, but we ALWAYS get to decide how we respond to them. I can help you find your direction. There will be bumps, obstacles, roadblocks. Some parking spaces will be full, others open. The truth is, often, when we make the wrong turns (whether by or choosing or not) we end up in the right direction. I’m here to hold space for you, to be your guide on this journey. I’m your Well-Being Guide: Your Guide towards being well. Stay in the Light, (even when it’s dark) Nicole Starr Bacon


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