The Row Boat in the Storm

As you know, this weekend I completed a Brainspotting training. It was like journeying to a place in my career that felt like coming home, as if this modality has been waiting for me and was welcoming me with open arms.

I healed some deep rooted traumas that 20+ year of experience and training couldn’t access… but that’s a story for another day.

Today, I got 2 fussy kids ready for school, squeezed in a quick workout, had Group Lab for grad school, updated my website to reflect this new, amazing service (went down a rabbit hole there), had a meeting at my youngest kid's school to discuss his behavior, got said kiddos, made dinner, took them and our pup on our after dinner walk, put them to bed, edited this (that I wrote earlier, while walking on a treadmill with my son working out next to me)...

finished coursework, and will put together my son's teacher appreciation gifts soon… hug a Mom, y’all.

During the processing portion of group lab, we were asked to visualize a small boat in a storm. Easy. I visualized myself on this small wooden rowboat, waves of stress, anxiety, burnout crashing down on me. Having my son’s behavior struggles just thrown in my face upon drop-off, these feelings were pretty fresh, close the surface. I was alone with one paddle, trying to survive.

While being in the thick of this storm, I faintly heard my professor say, “and what happens next?”

A switch went off inside of me as I immediately thought, “You’re gonna do what you always do. You’re gonna fight through this, weather the storm and get through it.” The sun started shining as I found land.

We were then asked to draw out visualization. I drew my boat capsized on an island with my two boys and me smiling. Ironically, they were not with me in the boat during the storm, but you better believe I was sure they made it to land, protected and unaware of the storm.

Later this afternoon, when I went to advocate for my youngest, all I could think about was, “I don’t think I can do this again.” Because it took years, tears, frustrations and agony for me to get my oldest son the services he needs to be supported at school. Today, I was triggered and didn’t want to walk through another school’s doors to do it again for my other child.

But, I did.

I walked in... like a fricking boss, knowing my shit. I calmly listened to what four staff members had to say, as I sat there solo, trying not to get mad at them for mislabeling my son. I educated them on dysregulation, the capacity of a 5-year-olds cognition, calming strategies, proper verbiage, etc… Luckily, the were receptive and we ended on a positive note.

I did not want to do another round of advocating for my son in the school system, just like I didn’t want to do another round of fertility treatments when I was struggling, or another round of courses this term, or another round of first dates, or another round of whatever the next challenge will be.

And I know you don’t either.

But, we’re not starting from scratch, we’re starting from experience.

Trust yourself.

Trust your strength.

And, for the love of SELF, know your worth!

Rest in Your Radiance,

Nicole Starr

P.S. Brainspotting services are up and running. I cannot wait to support you through this storm and help you find dry land.