Rekindles Romance

"You’re so strong."

"You’re a warrior."

"I didn’t think you needed my help because I knew you could handle it, like you always do."

Just a few phrases strong, independent people hear regularly, especially if they’re going through something big.

These well meaning phrases have become a trigger for me the last few years, leaving me resenting my strength. Until recently, that is, when I was forced to repair my relationship with my fighters heart.

As you know, I received a breast cancer diagnosis several weeks ago. There's been a lot of ups and down, feelings of every magnitude, tons of anger, yet, even more compassion.

In certain yogic philosophy, it is said that we cause all of our suffering. Whereas I see the thought process of this assumption, I don’t buy into the whole idea. Sure, our way of holding on and clinging to things out of our control creates pain and discomfort, but strong people don't shy away from struggle if the bigger picture holds meaning and purpose.

Personally, I think the idea that we cause or create disease in our bodies as a response to how we navigate life’s struggles invites self-blame and shame. Yes, we have the power of free will, choice, and can guide our lives in certain directions, but we are not powerful enough to control the entire cosmos. There are factors outside of ourselves that have a great impact on our lives.

So, no, I did not believe I caused this cancer, but I can absolutely see why it arrived.

Though my career choice is to teach people how to live presently and let go of things that no longer serve them, I struggle with this daily. I will hold on to things far longer than I should, even at the cost of my own sanity.

Often, when the result of holding on is continous pain, we learn to let go more readily. Some people even go to the extreme of never letting anything stick, refusing to let anything imprint on them long enough to make an impact. Unfortunately, with this type of avoidance and cancel culture on the rise, connection is in a decline.

I lean towards holding on. But this has left me resenting my fighters heart and inner strength.

On the other hand though, I also LOVE it.

A strong, compassionate fighter's heart forces me to see the good in people and allows me to fight for their goodness. It is what has given me the strength to overcome so many obstacles and to be an advocate for my boys in the most atrocious of situations.

It is what allows me to be scared as hell AND courageous enough to step forward anyways.

After the diagnosis, I sat with why this was happening. Again, not blaming myself for the cause (I do enough of that) but as a way to explore what the universe is trying to tell me.

The truth...nothing new.

The answer I received is that it's time for me to repair my relationship with my strength because, in this moment, I have no other choice but to lean into it.

After some reflection, I realized that my strength was telling me that, though I see the good in people and situations, I have to be choosier in who or where I give my time and energy. This left me with no choice but to leave an environment that was one sided. They took, without caring enough to reciprocate when I needed it the most.

This revelation encouraged me to rekindle a romance with my strength and made me realize that I am strong enough to walk away because I will fight like hell for the things that matter, but can no longer stay in places where I am not cared for or valued equally.

I’ve been meditating, practicing reiki, and Brainspotting a lot lately. In a Brainspotting session, I presented the issue of the breast cancer. Immediately, I was bombarded with thoughts and memories of all the times I had to be strong. The obstacles, the breakups, the fights, the fears, were thrown at me like a punch in the gut. I became nauseous but not from the challenges themselves, my stomach was sick from being in these moments, reaching out to previous partners for help only for them to make me feel bad for asking, or by stubbornly helping me the way they thought best, or just plain iqnoring my cries. It was heartbreaking to reexperience and created this huge lump in my thought. Immediately, I knew what needed to be said but I couldn’t say the words out loud. All of my parts - the parentified child, the angry teen, the heartbroken dreamer, all encouraging me to “just say it” “come on, you gotta voice it.”

After 5 minutes of trying to find my voice, I finally expressed the pain that I’ve been holding on to for so long....

“I am strong, but I shouldn’t have had to be so strong.”

At this, my breasts began to tingle as though they were releasing some long held breath and a visualization of all my parts celebrating, with some finally resting, flooded my mind.

It was a profound, liberating feeling.

Here’s the real magic, yesterday, I was supposed to have surgeries to remove the cancer and do a reconstruction. However, the latest MRI revealed that the cancer is gone. That’s right! Maybe it’s because they removed the whole calcification during the biopsy or maybe it’s all the healing work I’ve been doing to explore not how I caused the cancer but why it arrived, or maybe both.

They did find two other masses that I need to have biopsied and most likely removed, so I’m not in the clear yet, but, one part is healed and for that I am grateful.

All this to say, I hope you find your strength and one the days you cant, know that I am here to be your support.

Rest in Your Radiance,

Nicole Starr